The Importance of Building Routines and Structures to Support Your Partner with Executive Functioning & ADHD
The Importance of Building Routines and Structures to Support Your Partner with Executive Functioning & ADHD Jodi Carlton, MEd, LLC Jodi Carlton, MEd
Neurodiverse Relationship Expert
Jodi Carlton, MEd
August 26, 2024
executive dysfunction adhd, executive functioning in neurodiverse relationships, partner with ADHD
In relationships where one partner has executive dysfunction, ADHD is more than just an issue of attention; it impacts a person’s ability to manage tasks, organize thoughts, and follow through with plans. When executive functioning is compromised, it can create a ripple effect across all areas of life—including relationships. As someone with ADHD, myself, I can personally relate to the challenges expressed by hundreds of partners and couples through the years.
For neurotypical partners, the behaviors associated with ADHD can be confusing and frustrating. Missed appointments, forgotten tasks, and a seeming lack of focus may be perceived as signs of laziness, carelessness, or lack of commitment. However, these behaviors are not usually intentional; they are manifestations of an underlying neurological difference. Understanding this is crucial, but so is taking practical steps to support your partner.
Executive Dysfunction ADHD: Why Routines and Structures Matter
Executive functioning is the mental process that allows a person to plan, focus attention, remember instructions, and juggle multiple tasks successfully. For someone with ADHD, these processes don’t come naturally, and the resulting disorganization can be overwhelming. This is where routines and structures become invaluable.
Consistency Reduces Stress: Routines create predictability, which can significantly reduce the stress of the unknown. For a person with ADHD, this predictability provides a mental framework to lean on, making it easier to manage day-to-day tasks. Paradoxically, the ADHD brain often needs spontaneity in relationships and jobs, day to day, to increase dopamine levels which regulate emotions and contribute to a sense of wellbeing. A balance of structured routines combined with options for variety will greatly help a partner who has executive dysfunction related to ADHD.
Routines Improve Motivation: ADHD can make it difficult to get started on tasks, especially if they seem daunting. A well-established routine can help prevent chores from becoming overwhelming and can also create momentum, as each step flows into the next without the need for constant decision-making or re-evaluation. For example, I have a routine of putting dirty dishes in the dishwasher immediately and unloading the dishwasher the same day as it is run. This keeps the sink from overflowing with dirty dishes becoming a task I would likely put off.
Structures Enhance Accountability: Structures, such as to-do lists, calendars, and reminder systems, can serve as external supports for memory and task management. This reduces the cognitive load on your partner, allowing them to focus on what truly matters. There are many calendar apps and productivity apps that can be used in your personal life to help organize your time and tasks that will also notify you with alarms when something needs to be done. Sometimes people with ADHD will ignore the notifications, though, if there are too many, so take care to turn off unnecessary notifications from email and social media apps to avoid overload and distraction.
Practical Strategies for Implementing Routines and Structures
1. Collaborate on Creating Routines: Instead of imposing a routine, work together with your partner to create one that suits their specific needs and preferences. This collaboration ensures that the routine is both realistic and sustainable, and it empowers your partner by making them an active participant in the process. Believe your partner when they share difficulties with tasks that seem simple to you. Avoid dismissing your partner, and adopt curiosity to learn more about how your partner experiences life.
2. Use Visual Aids: Tools like color-coded calendars, sticky notes, or digital apps can provide visual cues that help your partner stay on track. The visual component is crucial for many people with ADHD, as it can serve as a constant, gentle reminder of what needs to be done.
3. Break Tasks into Smaller Steps: Large tasks can be overwhelming, leading to procrastination or avoidance. Help your partner break down these tasks into smaller, more manageable steps. This not only makes the task seem less intimidating but also provides a sense of accomplishment with each step completed. An example is cleaning the house together. Instead of saying, “Let’s clean the house,” you can break it down into smaller steps:
Start with just one room: Decide together to tackle just the kitchen first.
Divide tasks: One person can wash dishes, while the other wipes down counters.
Set a timer: Work for 15 minutes, then take a short break before moving to the next task or room.
This approach makes the overall task of cleaning less overwhelming and more manageable.
4. Automate Tasks: Automating tasks like paying bills, setting schedules for household thermostats, and even using smart devices to schedule a robot vacuum or turn household lights off at bedtime can be impactful.
5. Set Regular Check-Ins: Regular check-ins provide an opportunity to adjust routines and structures as needed. I advise my clients to schedule short meetings when both partners are usually available and most likely to have the mental energy to focus (don’t choose Friday evenings after a long, busy week). Discuss the upcoming week and also what’s working with the routines and strategies, what isn’t, and what changes might help. It also reinforces a sense of teamwork and shared responsibility. Although these check-ins will help in managing the challenges of ADHD, avoid placing emphasis on the ADHD partner as “the problem.”
6. Create Buffer Time: People with ADHD often underestimate how long tasks will take. Building buffer time into task steps can help accommodate this to provide extra time. However, deadlines can also be powerful motivators for people with ADHD because the brain is flooded with dopamine and adrenaline when a deadline is looming – if your partner is a procrastinator who frequently manages to get tasks done at the last minute, avoid pressuring your partner to spread task steps out over time. For example, packing for a trip may be done the night before or the morning of leaving on the trip – if your partner is only responsible for themselves, this can work fine, but if you need help getting the kids packed or preparing the home for your departure, use previously mentioned strategies to collaborate with your partner to get these other tasks done.
Supporting Your Partner Without Micromanaging
While routines and structures are essential, it’s equally important to strike a balance between support and autonomy. Although your partner’s way of doing things may be uncomfortable for you, at times, the goal isn’t to micromanage your partner’s life. Chances are that your way of doing things is uncomfortable for them as well. Neither of you matters more than the other. Recognize your partner’s autonomy as an adult, and communicate your own preferences and needs in a collaborative way.
The Mutually Beneficial Impact of Support
The emotional benefits of supporting your partner in this way cannot be overstated. When your partner feels supported rather than judged, it strengthens the relationship bond. They’re likely to feel more confident, less stressed, and more valued. This is mutually beneficial because your partner will be less likely to hear your expressed preferences as demands and criticisms of their challenges when you both work to collaborate and communicate in mutually respectful ways.
Overcome Executive Dysfunction ADHD: Strengthen Your Relationship Today
Living with ADHD presents unique challenges, especially regarding executive dysfunction. However, by building routines and structures tailored to your partner’s needs, you can significantly reduce these challenges and help them thrive. The process requires patience, understanding, and flexibility, but the rewards—in terms of a stronger, more harmonious relationship—are well worth the effort.
Supporting your partner with ADHD is not about controlling their life; it’s about working together to create an environment where you both can flourish. With the right routines and structures in place, you’ll also cultivate a deeper connection based on empathy and mutual respect.
If you need help in your own relationship, a counselor or coach who understands neurodiversity in relationships can help you understand each other and improve your relationship connection.
For more resources about neurodiverse relationships and executive dysfunction, visit my blog here.
Request a private consultation for coaching with me, Jodi Carlton. I am a neurodiverse relationship expert with close to 25 years of experience as a therapist and coach.
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