Can an Autistic Partner Have Cassandra Syndrome?
Can an Autistic Partner Have Cassandra Syndrome? Jodi Carlton, MEd, LLC Jodi Carlton, MEd
Neurodiverse Relationship Expert
Jodi Carlton, MEd
October 23, 2024
autistic partner, cassandra syndrome
In one of my previous blogs, I shared how Cassandra Syndrome affects neurotypical partners in neurodiverse relationships. That blog and the accompanying video, “Cassandra Syndrome: Signs, Symptoms, and Strategies for Neurotypical Partners,” sparked many comments, leading to some great discussions (check out the YouTube video comments). Many autistic individuals shared having painful, invalidating, and traumatic experiences of their own in neurodiverse relationships–which is absolutely true and needs to be acknowledged and explored.
So, in this article, I want to shift the focus to the experience of the autistic partner, exploring whether an autistic partner can have Cassandra Syndrome as well. Because just like neurotypical partners can feel misunderstood, so can autistic partners—deeply, in fact. Be sure to watch the accompanying video to this blog, ”Can Autistic Individuals Have Cassandra Syndrome?”, as well.
If you’re not familiar with Cassandra Syndrome, it’s a term that refers to the feelings of isolation, frustration, and emotional deprivation that partners often experience when their reality is constantly questioned. This term was originally coined by Maxine Aston, a British counselor who noticed this pattern in neurotypical women married to autistic men. If you are neurotypical, don’t click away to read the blog about the neurotypical experience just yet. Read this one first–it is important for you to know what your partner may be experiencing as well.
The Weight of Expectations
One of the biggest hurdles in neurodiverse relationships is expectation management. Neurotypical partners often expect certain behaviors or emotional responses based on their own social conditioning and genetic hard-wiring, but this can place enormous pressure on the autistic partner. The neurotypical (or sometimes ADHD) partner’s expectations are often confusing and bewildering to an autistic partner, whose body becomes overstimulated and overwhelmed by the neurotypical partner’s expectations, wishes, and preferences. Many autistic partners experience constant feelings of failure because of accusations and criticisms they don’t fully understand. Moreover, non-autistic partners unintentionally cause harm by demanding changes from an autistic partner that are neurologically or physically impossible, leading to autistic shutdown, anxiety, and sometimes depression.
Autistic individuals often speak about the pressure to mask their true selves in order to meet their partner’s emotional needs. This “masking” can be incredibly draining and unsustainable, leading to burnout, resentment, or withdrawal from the relationship altogether. It is important to recognize that masking doesn’t mean an autistic partner doesn’t love or care about their neurotypical partner but that the neurotypical partner’s expectation of how love is conveyed and demonstrated is not aligned with how the autistic partner authentically expresses their feelings.
Building Bridges of Understanding
So, where do you go from here? How do you bridge the gap between these different experiences?
First, it’s important for both of you to recognize that both of your perspectives and needs are valid. Recognizing and accepting that you are different and you each have a unique way of communicating care and love is critical for reducing conflict and improving connection. Couples who remain in a cycle of conflict that involves finger-pointing, blame, and “right/wrong” thinking are more likely to experience continuous decline in their relationship. Each of you may develop medical and mental health problems.
In my course, “How to Communicate in Neurodiverse Relationships,” I focus on helping people learn to bridge the neurodiversity gap in order to reduce conflict and increase connection. Neither of you is “right” or “ wrong.” Both of you will benefit from learning to communicate and connect in a way that honors each of your communication styles, expectations, and needs.
A Path Toward Deeper Understanding
Being in a neurodiverse relationship can be incredibly rewarding, but it comes with its unique set of challenges. Understanding the autistic partner’s experience is a crucial part of building a stronger, more empathetic relationship. If you’re an autistic individual or a neurotypical partner navigating this dynamic, I encourage you to share this article with your partner to start a conversation about what you each are expecting and experiencing.
Find a neurodiversity-aware counselor or coach to help you navigate this. At the very minimum, keep learning–more blogs like this one. Watch videos. Listen to podcasts. The more you know, the more empowered you are to improve your life and relationship.
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