Cats, Chaos, and Freedom From Evaluation
Sometimes healing looks like shredded curtains and four happy cats
IN THIS ISSUE:
Cats, Chaos, and Freedom From Evaluation
New Podcast Episode
Poll Results
Neurodiversity Notes Sneak Peek
Recommended Reading and Other Resources
Cats, Chaos, and Freedom From Evaluation
Hi friend,
I loved my dogs with my whole heart and soul. In the last couple of years, they both passed within months of each other at ages 14 and 12. I still miss them deeply. The last of my children’s three childhood cats had also passed at age 18, within months of the dogs. It was a heavy year.
The house felt quiet, and I knew I could never live without pets in my home, but I felt pulled toward getting kittens instead of another dog. So, first I rescued a pair of siblings, then another a few months later. I now have four cats under the age of three. They are absolute chaos.
Every night, my house sounds like it’s being burglarized when the zoomies begin. My curtains are picked apart. There’s fur. Lots of fur. Occasionally, I step on a hairball. And somehow… my nervous system is completely fine with all of it. More than fine.
One day recently, that realization made me pause to consider why. As someone with ADHD, chaos can be incredibly dysregulating for me, while at the same time, I also crave stimulation and novelty. It’s a strange paradox that many ADHD people understand well.
So I started wondering why the idea of getting another dog immediately creates a jolt of anxiety in my body, while the chaos of four cats feels like a ray of sunshine.
I eventually realized something that surprised me.
It’s about evaluation.
Growing up with a narcissistic father and then being married to a narcissistic man for 19 years, I spent much of my life being evaluated, compared, criticized, and measured against impossible, often changing, standards. I couldn’t simply exist as myself. Love was tied to performance.
My dogs were working breeds: a Border Collie mix and a Belgian Shepherd mix. Both were rescues and absolutely wonderful dogs, but the working-drive wiring was still there. They constantly needed direction, feedback, structure, reassurance, correction, and engagement. They needed jobs, which I gave them in various ways, and they needed to know they were “good dogs.” They needed me to lead, evaluate, guide, and monitor. Their sense of safety and wellbeing was directly tied to the feedback they received from me..
I loved them deeply, but I realize now that their needs quietly collided with my nervous system’s desperate need for freedom from evaluation. My dogs didn’t evaluate me - their love for me was pure and unconditional, but they required me to evaluate them to know they were loved.
My cats, on the other hand, genuinely do not care what anyone thinks of their performance. At all. 😄
They just want to feel safe in their home. To play. To watch the birds. To nap in sunbeams (I call them solar “power-ups). To love and be loved.
And that’s where I am in my own life now, too.
After decades of living under scrutiny and pressure, my nervous system rejects relationships built around performance, hierarchy, criticism, or constant self-monitoring. This carried over into my friendships, my professional relationships, and even my family.
A few years ago, I invited a few colleagues who specialize in neurodiversity to meet up with me once a month on Zoom. We respect and value each other, learn from each other, and refer people to one another without an ounce of competition. Through the years, we’ve selectively invited others to join us, and our little group has grown to a couple of dozen professionals who all value the safe space we hold sacred.
In all aspects of my life, these days, I just want spaces where everyone in them, human or furry, is allowed to exist safely, freely, imperfectly, and authentically.
Including me.
Warmly and Respectfully,
NEW PODCAST SEASON DROPPING!
This season I’m teaming up again with one of my favorite friends and colleagues, Mona Kay, host of the Neurodiverse Love podcast and Neurodiverse Love docuseries (which features yours truly).
For this podcast season, Mona and I decided to relax a bit, step away from interviewing professionals and others, and have a casual chat with each other about our own lived experiences with neurodivergence in our relationships and in just everyday life. We’ve already taped the first few episodes, and I’m just going to say, our ADHD is on full display (we left in some of the bloopers for you)! We also get really personal with you about things like dating, sex, and abuse.
In these first few episodes, we answered some questions and comments from my YouTube channel, but we want to answer YOUR questions and hear about your lives. You can comment on this post in Substack or if you’re reading this in your Inbox, just hit reply or email me at podcast@jodicarlton.com. I will personally read all of your emails (promise!), and we will read and respond to some of them on the podcast.
So grab your coffee or your lunch, and hang out with Mona and me!
POLL RESULTS
Last week, when I sent out this newsletter through Substack for the first time, I was curious to know how many of my subscribers are already using Substack, and it turns out a lot of you are. I encourage you to try it out if you haven’t. You’ll get extra little nuggets from me, like these, from the last couple of weeks. Hop over to inside.themisunderstoodmind.com and click on “Notes” to get caught up.
RECOMMENDED RESOURCES
I’m constantly asked about books and resources for understanding neurodiversity and tools for managing sensory processing difficulties and executive dysfunction. So, I’ve put together a page on Amazon of what I read and what I have used, myself, through the years.