Valentine’s Day and Neurodiverse Relationships: Breaking Myths, Misalignment, and Masking
Valentine’s Day and Neurodiverse Relationships: Breaking Myths, Misalignment, and Masking Jodi Carlton, MEd, LLC Jodi Carlton, MEd
Neurodiverse Relationship Expert
Jodi Carlton, MEd
February 11, 2025
neurodiverse couples, valentine’s day neurodiverse adults
Reflections on Valentine’s Day and Neurodiverse Relationships
I have some more thoughts for you about Valentine’s Day and neurodiverse relationships, particularly in light of the upcoming holiday (watch my Valentine’s webinar on YouTube).
This is likely going to be a tough read for many of you. You all matter so much to me, but sometimes the truth hurts. This is tough love filled with compassion and care.
Are You and Your Partner Truly Aligned? Understanding Relationship Misalignment
Many of you are simply not aligned with your partners and never were. This misalignment is especially evident in Valentine’s Day and neurodiverse relationships, where differing expectations can cause strain.
I’ve worked with so many partners and couples who got married (or stayed in a relationship) due to insecurities about being alone or pressure from family, society, or faith groups to get married. Many of you got married without taking the time to discover if you have shared values, beliefs, expectations, and preferences.
A lot of you (like me) noticed red flags and signs of relationship misalignment or dysfunction and ignored them, believing love was enough.
I don’t say any of this to shame you at all! I say it to empower you!
I made some of these exact same mistakes myself. Empowerment comes from recognizing our own ability to impact our lives, our choices, and our futures.
Empowerment comes from recognizing how our own choices largely influence the life we’re living and the relationships we’re in—mistakes happen, and we regret some much more than others.
This is called being human.
Personal empowerment comes from recognizing our ability to learn and grow from our mistakes to improve our lives.
Mistakes can be turned into opportunities—they need not be life sentences.
Masking and Perception: Were You Really Tricked?
Lots of you feel disempowered because you feel duped by your partner.
You believe he or she masked and fooled you into getting married or staying in your relationship.
In reality, we ALL mask, especially during courtship.
Take a moment to consider:
How you dressed on that first date
What you said (and what thoughts you kept to yourself)
The things you shared that influenced what your partner thought of you
Most of us want to be liked and desired, so we don’t show up with a list of our flaws or deepest insecurities and fears!
Oftentimes, our true selves are not revealed until we are well into the relationship (or even sometimes as soon as our title shifts from dating to married).
Truthfully, I believe that autistics are LESS likely to mask (or to do it well) in dating because of a core characteristic that makes them autistic—difficulty understanding social expectations.
Research is clear that we see what we expect (or want) to see.
This is called confirmation bias.
Many of you subconsciously saw in your partner what you wanted from a partner while ignoring evidence to the contrary.
Many of you now look back in time and see masking and bait-switching to support your belief that your partner fooled you.
This defense mechanism of changing the narrative is often less distressing than acknowledging your own mistakes and choices.
What You Overlooked Before Committing
Many of you did not fully explore:
Expectations, preferences, wishes, fears, and dealbreakers
Your partner’s history with previous relationships or marriages
Why your own former relationships or marriages didn’t work
Some of you WERE duped by manipulative narcissists who INTENTIONALLY love-bombed you and mirrored back to you everything you wanted in a relationship to get you hooked (often rapidly).
Narcissism is NOT a trait of autism, but it is possible to be both autistic and narcissistic—some of you are mistakenly associating the narcissistic abuse you are experiencing with autism.
Some of you have partners who are autistic narcissists. If you’re not sure, I developed a comprehensive quiz and a course designed to help you get clarity.
Misalignment vs. Change: Can Your Relationship Actually Improve?
When challenges begin in relationships, most people rarely consider misalignment.
Instead, the focus is typically on how one or both partners can change to improve the relationship—but change is linked to motivation, which is linked to thresholds of pain (which are vastly different in partner relationships) AND is directly correlated with a person’s capacity to change—neurology is DNA-driven.
It can only be altered to a limited degree.
In a parallel example using the genetic trait of height, one can wear heels to be taller, but cannot actually BECOME taller.
Desperation in confusing and disconnected relationships leads to toxicity and even abuse as a reactive response to the incredible distress and pain people experience.
It’s like focusing on fitting a square peg into a round hole by chiseling away at both—but never acknowledging that these two simply don’t fit together.
I talk about how I became toxic in my marriage in Season 4 of my podcast with Mona Kay—if you missed it, go back and listen to that season! You can also find it on YouTube-
https://www.youtube.com/@JodiCarlton/podcasts
The Truth About Love in Neurodiverse Relationships: What Society Doesn’t Tell You
Lastly, many of you are unfulfilled and in so much pain because of your perceptions of what a relationship is “supposed to be” and how a partner is “supposed to demonstrate love.”
Many of these ideologies come from groups or institutions that have their own selfish reasons for selling us these lies.
Movies, shows, and books depict love and romance in a way that is completely unrealistic, often creating unrealistic expectations on Valentine’s Day and neurodiverse relationships. These portrayals hook us on the dopamine rush of relief and pleasure, shaping our desires in ways that may not align with reality.
Companies convince us that love is demonstrated by buying their products.
Many of you are faith-based and have been indoctrinated with damaging beliefs and values by power-hungry people who seek to control and manipulate community members.
Love is depicted as self-sacrifice when the absolute opposite is true.
Loving someone and being loved doesn’t equate with the destruction of oneself or one’s partner.
How does that even make sense?
Embracing Growth and Self-Awareness in Neurodiverse Relationships
In the days ahead, I encourage you to:
Take time to introspect, contemplate, and explore yourself and your relationship through alternative perspectives.
Be courageous enough to examine your own mistakes and choices.
Embrace your value, personal worth, and ability to impact your own life.
As always, I will continue to share my insights and the knowledge I’ve gained from my own ADHD and neurodiverse family, but also the hundreds of clients who seek out my help every year.
Keep an eye out for my first book, where I’ll guide you through the history of neurodiversity, a glossary of key terms, and how to embrace neurotypes as natural variations of the human experience.
You are my people, and you will ALWAYS matter to me!
Warmly and respectfully,
Jodi Carlton
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