7 Ways to Create Holiday Plans That Work for Both You and Your Neurodivergent Partner
7 Ways to Create Holiday Plans That Work for Both You and Your Neurodivergent Partner Jodi Carlton, MEd, LLC Jodi Carlton, MEd
Neurodiverse Relationship Expert
Jodi Carlton, MEd
December 11, 2024
neurodivergent holidays, neurodiverse couples
The holiday season can be a time of joy, connection, and celebration—but for neurodiverse couples, it can also bring challenges that require thoughtful navigation. Between sensory sensitivities, differing social needs, and the potential for communication breakdowns, finding a balance that works for both you and your neurodivergent partner can feel like a delicate dance—or a tug of war!
However, with proactive planning, open communication, and acknowledgment that you each have different preferences and needs, you can create a holiday experience that honors you both.
1. Identify Holiday Preferences, Expectations, and Stressors
Every individual experiences the holidays differently, and this is especially true in neurodiverse relationships. For neurotypical partners, the stress may center around meeting family expectations, managing time, or coordinating logistics. For a neurodivergent partner, stressors might include sensory overload, unfamiliar routines, or social fatigue.
Take time to discuss what the holidays mean to each of you. Ask questions like:
What do you enjoy most about the holidays?
What aspects feel overwhelming or draining?
Are there any traditions or events you feel strongly about participating in (or avoiding)?
What are your preferences about gifts (expense, providing “wish-lists,” etc.)?
This discussion can help you identify potential friction points and work together to address them before they become an issue. I developed a tool that I use in my own life and now teach to others that will help you get clarity about what’s important and impactful and which things to worry about less. Get it here!
2. Embrace Flexibility and Compromise
Rigid expectations can lead to unnecessary tension, especially if one or both of you struggle with adapting to changes in traditions, routines, or plans. Instead of trying to stick to a picture-perfect holiday ideal, embrace flexibility.
For example:
If your neurodivergent partner finds large gatherings overwhelming, consider attending for a shorter time or creating a quiet escape plan when needed. Consider attending events alone or with a friend—like a company Christmas party or a holiday concert. Ultimately, you’ll both benefit when the neurodivergent partner is less overwhelmed and has “down-time” during the holidays.
If one of you values traditions like lots of decorations and twinkling lights while the other prefers to keep things simple, try finding compromises like decorating specific rooms more than others. For example, the bedroom, which is essential for rest, may need to be decoration-free.
Navigating social outings in a neurodiverse relationship can be challenging, especially when one partner is autistic. In this video, I share a strategy that helped a couple I worked with: taking separate cars to events. This gave the autistic partner the freedom to leave when overwhelmed, reducing stress and avoiding behaviors that might be perceived as rude. By planning ahead and respecting each other’s boundaries, they found a way to enjoy social events while honoring their individual needs.
Remember, saying “no” to events or traditions that don’t serve your relationship is okay.
3. Plan Sensory-Friendly Alternatives
For partners with sensory sensitivities, the noise, lights, and crowds of the holiday season can feel overstimulating. Plan alternatives that allow your neurodivergent partner to participate without discomfort:
Opt for smaller gatherings or virtual celebrations instead of large parties. For example, watch the New Year’s Eve countdown on TV or at a friend’s house rather than attending a cocktail party.
Create a “sensory survival kit” with noise-canceling headphones or earbuds, light sensitivity glasses, or fidget tools.
Schedule breaks during events to step outside or retreat to a quiet room. Some neurodivergent individuals don’t recognize that anxiety is building until it’s suddenly overwhelming. Set an alarm on a phone or watch as a reminder to take scheduled breaks that help regulate the nervous system.
By prioritizing comfort, you create an environment where both of you can enjoy the holidays without feeling overwhelmed.
4. Communicate Boundaries Clearly
Establishing boundaries is critical to avoiding burnout during the holidays. Boundaries are commitments to yourself that honor your needs (many people mistakenly believe boundaries are what we require of others). This includes boundaries about expectations from family, friends, and even each other.
Check-in with yourself about what feels manageable regarding time, energy, and social commitments and what is an absolute “no.” Discuss these things with your partner, and don’t forget to ask your partner about their own boundaries.
For instance:
Discuss how long is enough, but not too long, for each of you to stay at a gathering and stick to a plan that works for both of you. You may want to stay at least an hour but no more than three hours, whereas your neurodivergent partner may not want to go at all but is willing to stay an hour. Plan to go for an hour and honor that commitment— resist the temptation to push for more time beyond an hour or to make comments like, “You look like you’re having a good time. Why should we leave now?” Remember that a neurodivergent partner who is high-masking may look comfortable while experiencing rising levels of discomfort and distress while pacing themselves to get to the agreed-upon departure time.
Decide how you’ll respond if family members push back against your choices:
“Thanks for inviting us, but one of our gifts to each other this year is to prioritize some rest and downtime.”
“We’ve enjoyed this time with you, but we promised ourselves some much-needed “chill time” the rest of the day/evening.”
“We’d love to come to town for the holidays, but we’ve booked our own lodging this year where we can spend some much-needed downtime as well.”
“We love that you want us to come stay with you for the holiday, but we’ve decided to create our own tradition of being at home with just us and the kids.”
Clear boundaries help you avoid overcommitting and ensure you both feel respected. Family members may express confusion and may become angry when their expectations are not met, but remember that it is not your responsibility to meet other people’s expectations at your own expense. Communicate your boundaries as early as possible with family or friends who may not like your choices instead of springing it on them at the last minute.
5. Build in Recovery Time
For neurodivergent individuals, the holidays can be mentally and physically exhausting. After socializing or navigating sensory-heavy environments, recovery time is essential.
Schedule downtime into your plans:
Plan a quiet evening at home after a busy day of visiting family or attending social events.
Reserve a few “unscheduled” days during the holiday season when nothing is expected of either of you.
Make space for individual recharge activities, whether it’s gaming, reading, or simply resting.
In this video, Ashley and Randall mention the importance of recovery days and other ways they navigate holiday stress.
This not only prevents burnout but also ensures both of you can show up fully for the moments that matter.
6. Celebrate in Your Own Unique Way
Who says the holidays have to look a certain way? Traditions are wonderful, but they’re not the only way to create meaningful memories. Consider crafting your own rituals that reflect your unique personalities and relationships:
Have a “holiday movie night” with your favorite snacks and cozy blankets (my family watches “The Polar Express” every Christmas Eve).
Take a winter walk or drive to see holiday lights at your own pace.
Cook a special meal together
When you focus on what truly brings joy to both of you, the holidays become more fulfilling and less stressful.
7. Check in Regularly
Even with the best-laid plans, unexpected challenges can arise. Commit to checking in with each other throughout the season:
“How are you feeling about the plans we’ve made so far?”
“Is there anything you need to make this weekend less stressful?”
“Do we need to adjust anything to make it work better for both of us?”
These conversations help you stay aligned and show your partner that their needs are a priority. Remember that no one is a mind-reader, so it is important to communicate your thoughts and feelings to your partner without expecting them to know what you want or are experiencing.
Turn the Season into an Opportunity for Connection
The holidays don’t have to be a source of tension in your neurodiverse relationship. By understanding each other’s needs, setting realistic expectations, and creating a plan that honors both of you, you can turn this season into an opportunity for connection and growth. What matters most isn’t how perfectly the holidays are executed—it’s the care and consideration you bring to each other along the way. Together, you can create a holiday season that works for both of you.
Check out our new course: Holiday Stress Buster Toolkit for Neurodiverse Couples! This course provides tools to help you communicate openly, set boundaries effectively, and approach holiday challenges with empathy and understanding.
The post 7 Ways to Create Holiday Plans That Work for Both You and Your Neurodivergent Partner first appeared on Jodi Carlton, MEd, LLC.