Why Your Partner Says “NO!” To Therapy When You Suspect Autism
Why Your Partner Says “NO!” To Therapy When You Suspect Autism Jodi Carlton, MEd, LLC Jodi Carlton, MEd
Neurodiverse Relationship Expert
Jodi Carlton, MEd
February 25, 2022
Communication, Neurodiverse Relationships, Tips for Couples
blame, coaching, conflict, shame, Therapy
Navigating a neurodiverse relationship can bring unique challenges, especially when one partner suspects autism, and the other is resistant to therapy. For many couples, neurodiverse relationship counseling can be incredibly beneficial, providing tools to bridge understanding and foster a healthier connection. But what do you do when your partner says “no” to counseling?
Let’s explore key reasons why your partner may be hesitant and how you can approach this delicate situation.
Counseling Has Not Been Helpful
You’ve been to other therapists, you’ve been to other relationship counselors, and it’s just been a disaster. Now, after a lot of research and reading, you think your partner is autistic (some people still use the term “Asperger’s”), and you want to see a neurodiverse relationship coach.
Your partner’s reaction, though, is, “Nope, I’m done. We’ve tried this. I’m not doing it again.”
You’re probably thinking,
“I really need them to understand how much I’ve been hurt,”
and your feelings are valid, too.
You feel frustrated. You feel angry. You feel hurt. I know why your partner is digging in their heels – and it’s a valid reason.
It Feels Like Standing In Front of a Firing Squad
For individuals, especially those on the autism spectrum, being the focal point of neurodiverse relationship counseling can feel overwhelming.
To your partner, it feels like standing in front of a firing squad. They have been identified as “the problem.” Many autistic partners say to me something like, “Now my partner believes that it’s been me. I am the source. I am the cause of all the problems.”
Who wants to go into counseling or coaching under those premises? I wouldn’t. Unfortunately, a lot of counselors who aren’t familiar with neurodiversity do approach it that way. It is called having an “identified patient,” who is the primary problem in the relationship. The entire focus becomes about autism and how it is contributing to relationship issues.
With Jodi Carlton, neurodiverse relationship counseling aims to shift the focus from “fixing” an individual’s traits to understanding the natural differences each partner brings to the relationship.
“Fixing” Your Partner’s Neurodiverse Traits is Not The Solution
For couples in neurodiverse relationship counseling, it’s crucial to recognize that autism and other neurodivergent traits are hardwired. Many people ask me to help their partner with the neurodiverse traits and behaviors that are causing problems in the relationship.
The problem is not your partner’s neurodiversity—it is your differences from each other. When you approach relationship challenges by wanting your partner’s traits to be different, you are essentially wishing for your partner’s hard-wired neurology to be more like yours.
I had a partner who was an entire foot taller than me. I wished he wouldn’t leave the driver’s seat in the car so far from the steering wheel—I couldn’t even reach the pedals! His height was not the problem, though – it was the difference in my height, and his that was the problem. Likewise, he hated when I left the seat so near that steering wheel that his knees got bashed when he first sat down. I couldn’t be taller and he couldn’t be shorter, but we COULD recognize our differences and each make efforts to accommodate the other. If either of us had blamed the other for this challenge and made the other responsible for the problem, it would have been hurtful.
Mixed neurotype couples often fall into this trap, though. Both partners struggle to recognize the validity of the other partner’s way of thinking and feeling. Both have expectations of their own, standards of their own, values, beliefs, and opinions, and both often see the other partner as the problem.
Autism and other neurodivergences like ADHD are often labeled as pathological disorders when, in reality, these individuals are often the creative minds and problem-solvers of our world. From a social standpoint, our society has blamed neurodivergent individuals for not being more neurotypical – and our medical model has pathologized them.
Embracing the Neurodiverse “Power Couple” Potential
As human beings, we have so many differences. Some are more readily accepted than others. Humanity needs all neurotypes and all kinds of thinkers, feelers, and doers! In a relationship, a mixed-neurotype couple can actually be a “power couple” if both partners acknowledge and embrace their differences without blaming or trying to make each other change.
Each of you is different in what you are bringing to the relationship:
How your brain works
How your sensory system works
How each of your personalities has its own unique quirks, strengths, and weaknesses
Both of you have different ways of using language and handling conflict, and you are both bringing personal and relationship baggage to your relationship. If one of you is autistic, then it has contributed to the confusion and misunderstanding, but not because autism is “the problem.” You have each had vastly different expectations and ways of thinking and feeling AND you weren’t aware of these differences. It’s a two-way misunderstanding.
Past Hurt and Misunderstanding Can Be Addressed Through Clarity
Neither of you is solely to blame for the problems in the relationship, but you both are accountable for making the relationship work.
Blaming one person for the problems in the relationship is dysfunctional and will drive a bigger wedge in your relationship. Both of you are responsible, though, for learning about yourself and how your personal traits and preferences affect your partner and the relationship.
Past hurts and previous issues cannot be resolved until you can clearly see your differences without judgment and learn to hear each other in order to understand each other. It is pointless to address things that have happened in the past if you don’t know how to have a meaningful conversation that brings clarity. It’s like trying to have that conversation in two different languages. This contributes to rehashing over and over again, which is not helpful and not useful, and leads you to where you are now.
Neurodiverse relationship counseling can help couples move forward by focusing on clarity and empathy rather than rehashing past conflicts.
Start Your Journey to Understanding With Neurodiverse Relationship Counseling
To get clarity about yourself and your partner, start with learning how to communicate in a way that fosters connection instead of conflict and resentment. Here are two neurodiversity courses that can help!
How to Reduce Conflict in Your Neurodiverse Relationship – You absolutely MUST have a tool for reducing the conflict in your relationship.
How to Communicate in Your Neurodiverse Relationship – Get INSTANT access to the communication program designed to bridge the gap between partners who have different ways of thinking, feeling, and using language.
The post Why Your Partner Says “NO!” To Therapy When You Suspect Autism first appeared on Jodi Carlton, MEd, LLC.