This podcast was perfect for me. I am autistic. I suspect my partner may be ADHD, but he's not diagnosed. We are both in our 70s. Anyway, it's his lifestyle of staying up late and sleeping in that disregulates me. We don't live together, but he stays here 3 or 4 nights a week, and he'd like to stay all the time. I get it, because his house is a mess, but I don't want to live with somebody. Even the three or four nights a week is too much for me. I think we are just incompatible, and I don't love him enough to want to change my routine, because it's what makes sense to me. I have a house and a big yard to take care of, and I want to do it for as long as I can.
What you're describing takes a lot of self-awareness. Recognizing that your regulated routines aren't just preference but a genuine neurological need, and that you've spent decades building a life that works for you. That clarity about what you need and what costs too much isn't selfishness; in many cases it's wisdom that took years to earn. The question of compatibility isn't always about love. Sometimes it's about what two people's nervous systems can actually sustain together long-term. It sounds like you're doing the honest, hard work of figuring that out on your own terms.
The revolving door is a pattern where conflict results in shut-down and retreat, even a break-up, at times, followed by a cool-down period that leads to getting back together or sometimes just returning to interacting without acknowledging the retreat/shut down. This dynamic can happen in all relationships, but in neurodiverse relationships, where conflict resolution and communication is particularly challenging, it is a common problem. The goal is often to stop the conflict, which is incredibly dysregulating, by shutting down interaction, but because the couple doesn't know how to prevent future conflict, it happens again and again (like going around a revolving door).
Thank you mentioning nesting. It’s such a good option if both people will buy in !
I agree!! Neurodiverse couples benefit from "out of the box" solutions.
This podcast was perfect for me. I am autistic. I suspect my partner may be ADHD, but he's not diagnosed. We are both in our 70s. Anyway, it's his lifestyle of staying up late and sleeping in that disregulates me. We don't live together, but he stays here 3 or 4 nights a week, and he'd like to stay all the time. I get it, because his house is a mess, but I don't want to live with somebody. Even the three or four nights a week is too much for me. I think we are just incompatible, and I don't love him enough to want to change my routine, because it's what makes sense to me. I have a house and a big yard to take care of, and I want to do it for as long as I can.
What you're describing takes a lot of self-awareness. Recognizing that your regulated routines aren't just preference but a genuine neurological need, and that you've spent decades building a life that works for you. That clarity about what you need and what costs too much isn't selfishness; in many cases it's wisdom that took years to earn. The question of compatibility isn't always about love. Sometimes it's about what two people's nervous systems can actually sustain together long-term. It sounds like you're doing the honest, hard work of figuring that out on your own terms.
Thank you for this podcast.
How do you explain the revolving door phenomenon in the context of autism?
The revolving door is a pattern where conflict results in shut-down and retreat, even a break-up, at times, followed by a cool-down period that leads to getting back together or sometimes just returning to interacting without acknowledging the retreat/shut down. This dynamic can happen in all relationships, but in neurodiverse relationships, where conflict resolution and communication is particularly challenging, it is a common problem. The goal is often to stop the conflict, which is incredibly dysregulating, by shutting down interaction, but because the couple doesn't know how to prevent future conflict, it happens again and again (like going around a revolving door).