When does accommodation stop being accommodation—and start becoming self-abandonment?
I see this confusion often in neurodivergent relationships.
There is so much content encouraging partners to understand autism, ADHD, executive dysfunction, emotional dysregulation, sensory needs, and different ways of communicating.
And yes—we absolutely need that understanding.
But somewhere along the way, “accommodation” can get interpreted as “you need to tolerate whatever happens because your partner is neurodivergent.”
No.
Accommodation does not mean accepting verbal abuse, physical aggression, property damage, chronic dismissal of your needs, or repeatedly sacrificing your own physical and emotional wellbeing to prevent someone else’s dysregulation.
Adults are responsible for the impact of their behavior.
We all hurt people unintentionally sometimes. Neurodivergent or not. What matters next is whether we can hear that we’ve caused harm, take responsibility, repair it—and work toward not repeating it.
And healthy accommodation goes both ways.
“Accommodation does not mean you have to suffer.”
Maybe one partner needs the bedroom cold while the other can’t sleep that way. Maybe sensory needs conflict. Maybe executive functioning or emotional regulation requires a different approach.
The answer isn’t automatically that one person’s needs win.
The question becomes:
Can we find a solution that honors both people without harming either one?
Sometimes we can.
Sometimes the other person needs additional support, therapy, coaching, tools, or strategies to accommodate themselves.
And sometimes we have to recognize that what we’ve been calling “accommodation” has actually become enabling.
In this video, I’m talking about the difference—and why understanding neurodivergence should never require you to stop protecting yourself.
You matter, too. Your needs matter, too. Don’t abandon yourself.
Want to Go Deeper?
Trying to understand what you’re experiencing in your relationship?
If you’re struggling to separate neurodivergent traits from harmful or narcissistic relationship patterns, I created my course, The Difference Between Neurodivergence and Narcissistic Abuse, to help you better understand the differences, recognize where they can overlap, and get clearer about what you may be experiencing.
📘 And if you want to better understand neurodivergence…
In my new book, The Misunderstood Mind: What We Got Wrong About Autism, ADHD, and Neurodivergence, I take a deeper look at the frameworks we’ve used to understand autism, ADHD, and neurodivergence—and what we may be missing when we focus only on deficits.
My hope is that it helps you see yourself, your partner, your child, or someone you love through a more complete lens.
→ Get The Misunderstood Mind