How do you know when someone truly doesn’t understand that they’re hurting you—and when they know exactly what they’re doing?
That’s one of the hardest questions I encounter in neurodivergent relationships.
Sometimes what looks like neglect or a lack of empathy can come from genuine difficulty recognizing another person’s perspective, experience, needs, or preferences. I sometimes describe this as “clueless harm.”
The impact can still be deeply painful.
But there’s an important difference between someone who doesn’t recognize the harm they’re causing—and is willing to understand, take accountability, and change—and someone who knows they’re hurting you and continues anyway.
And when neurodivergence, trauma, and abusive relationship dynamics overlap, telling the difference can become incredibly difficult.
Especially if harmful behavior has always felt “normal” to you.
I know this professionally. I also know it personally.
“There’s a difference between not knowing you’re causing harm—and knowing and not caring.”
In this video, I’m talking about the intersection of neurodivergence, narcissistic abuse, trauma, empathy, accountability, and relationship harm—and some of the patterns I believe are important to notice
And if you’re trying to make sense of a relationship that feels harmful but you can’t quite name what’s happening, please don’t assume you have to figure it out alone.
Your wellbeing is worth protecting. Don’t abandon yourself.
If you need more clarity, I created a course just for that: The Difference Between Neurodivergence and Narcissistic Abuse
Visit: www.jodicarlton.com/courses
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My new book, The Misunderstood Mind: What We Got Wrong About Autism, ADHD, and Neurodivergence, explores how we understand neurodivergence—and what can change when we begin looking at the whole person.
➡️ Learn more / get the book: www.themisunderstoodmind.com