In Part 3 of The Misunderstood Mind, we went inside the neurodivergent experience—how we think, process, feel, regulate, mask, and make sense of ourselves.
Now we take all of that wiring and put it into relationship with other people.
And that’s where things get interesting. 😊
Because we all experience ourselves and each other through our own nervous system, our own expectations, and our own interpretation of what behavior means.
This week’s chapters
Chapter 12: Connection, Communication, and Relationships
Chapter 13: Neurodivergent Life Beyond Home
Part 4 begins with intimate relationships—how different neurotypes experience love, communication, emotional connection, conflict, and repair.
Then we move beyond home into workplaces, schools, healthcare systems, and communities, where many of the same neurological differences are interpreted through expectations about how people are supposed to communicate, learn, work, participate, and behave.
One of the concepts I explore in Chapter 12 is the double empathy problem.
Here’s a small excerpt:
Once these interpretations take hold on both sides, partners stop responding to what is actually happening and start responding to what they believe it means.
Pain accumulates, and defensiveness grows. Each person feels unseen in different ways.
Researchers call this the double empathy problem: when two people with different neurotypes interact, both are genuinely trying, and both are genuinely missing the mark.
One partner believes they are being clear. The other experiences that clarity as coldness.
One withdraws to regulate. The other feels abandoned.
Neither is lying about what they experienced. Neither is wrong about their own pain. They are just reading from different source material and arriving at different conclusions about what the other person meant.
This is something I’ve watched unfold in neurodiverse relationships for years.
Two people can walk away from the same interaction with completely different—and completely sincere—accounts of what just happened.
I was trying to help.
You were criticizing me.
I needed a minute to think.
You shut me out.
I told you exactly what I needed.
I had no idea you were upset.
When I meet with partners separately, their accounts are sometimes so vastly different that if I didn’t know they were a couple, I might not even realize they were describing the same relationship—much less the same interaction.
Here’s the pitfall: when we assume our interpretation is the obvious one (or the only one), misunderstandings take root, and we often mistake differences for intention.
And that’s where so much unnecessary confusion and hurt begins.
But, this isn’t only a romantic partner relationship problem.
A student asking a teacher repeated questions about an assignment may be perceived as too lazy to read the instructions. An employee who communicates directly may be considered rude. A patient who has extensively researched their symptoms may be treated as difficult or even controlling. Someone who needs movement, quiet, predictability, literal communication, or more processing time may be judged according to expectations built for a different nervous system.
Part 4 is about what happens between us as we interact with each other—and what becomes possible when we stop assuming everyone is operating from the same internal rulebook.
Paid subscribers can download and read PART 4: Navigating Relationships, Work, and Community below.
If you’re a free subscriber and you’d like to keep reading The Misunderstood Mind with us before its October 6 release, you can upgrade to paid and get Part 4 today, along with access to Parts 1–3 and Part 5 next week.
Or, if you’d rather wait for the finished book, you can preorder The Misunderstood Mind now in multiple e-book formats or hardcover. Paperback preorders are taking a little longer to become available, but the paperback will be available for purchase on October 6.
Check availability and order your preferred edition here.
Next week, in our final book preview email, we’ll turn toward what we do with everything we’ve learned:
PART 5: Moving Forward Together.
